International Bullshit Classification Divisions

“First of all... excellent question. Really excellent. Probably the best question anyone has ever asked.

A Flunky exists to support important people by agreeing with them enthusiastically, attending meetings they don't really need to attend, and making sure every suggestion sounds absolutely brilliant.

If your manager vanished tomorrow and your calendar suddenly became suspiciously empty... well... I completely support whatever conclusion you reach.”

“LET'S BE PERFECTLY CLEAR! After twenty years studying Goons, I've learned one thing: they always make sure they're the loudest voice in the room.

Goons are hired to persuade, pressure, lobby, market or defend organizations rather than create tangible value. Whether it's aggressive sales, corporate lobbying, public relations or reputation management, their primary product is influence.

My department specializes in identifying jobs where convincing people becomes more important than actually building something.

...AND IF YOU CAN HEAR ME FROM THE NEXT OFFICE, MY RESEARCH IS GOING VERY WELL.”

“People often think Duct Tapers solve problems. Oh no... we solve the consequences of problems that nobody else wants to fix.

A Duct Taper exists because a broken system has become permanent. Instead of repairing the underlying issue, organizations create entire roles dedicated to keeping the workaround alive.

My department investigates jobs where spreadsheets replace software, manual checks replace automation and 'temporary solutions' quietly celebrate their tenth anniversary.

If your job became unnecessary the moment the system finally worked … then you’re probably a Duct Taper.”

“I appreciate a well-designed checklist. They bring order, consistency and accountability.

Box Tickers, however, exist whenever completing the checklist becomes more important than solving the problem it was created to address.

My department specializes in identifying roles where success is measured by documentation, compliance reports and administrative proof rather than meaningful outcomes.

Remember: evidence that work happened is not always evidence that work mattered.”

“Delegation is leadership. More delegation is better leadership.

Taskmasters don't necessarily create value - they create work. Their role is to assign tasks, request updates, introduce new reporting requirements and ensure that everyone else always has something more to do.

My department specializes in identifying positions that multiply meetings, approvals and administrative workload while contributing surprisingly little themselves.

Why do one person's work when five people can collaborate across three departments, hold four meetings and produce twelve action items?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to schedule a follow-up meeting to prepare for tomorrow's meeting about this interview.”