Bureau NoticeForm IBBD-27B has been replaced by Form IBBD-27B Revised./
Corporate DesignDesign innovation: From now on, all rectangular surfaces used in internal and external communications will have exactly the same corner radius as the “B” in “Bureau”. The 40-person team expects implementation to take 18 months./
Corporate DesignThe permitted number of heading levels has been reduced to 18./
Corporate DesignThe corporate colour palette will be limited to brown and black. This explicitly also applies to charts with more than two lines or bars./
Corporate DesignThe new requirements necessitate a revision of the Bureau-wide, mandatory 1,200-page presentation on corporate design./
Compliance MemoReminder: Saying "let us take this offline" does not count as resolving the issue./
ResearchResearch confirms that 94% of "quick meetings" exceed 30 minutes./
Scheduling AlertThe Meeting Inflation Task Force has postponed today's meeting due to another meeting./
InfrastructureTemporary solutions older than five years must now be classified as infrastructure./
LibraryThe Bureau currently owns one copy of Bullshit Jobs. It is still overdue./
ResearchDepartment of Advanced Checkbox Theory announces record checkbox growth for Q2./
Standards DivisionNew international standard: Every dashboard must include a dashboard explaining the other dashboards. Minimum required dashboards: 2./
Committee NewsThe Appeals Review Committee has approved the creation of a committee to review appeals./
ResearchBureau scientists have successfully identified a meeting that could have been an email./
Internal BulletinTo prevent tunnel vision, personnel are advised to bury their heads in the sand./
Internal BulletinPlease stop CC'ing the Director of Organizational Support Analysis./
Internal BulletinThe Bureau confirms that vertical commuting—even inside Bureau premises—remains part of the employee's journey to work./
Internal BulletinForm C-17 (Intent to Consume Coffee) must be completed before consuming coffee./
Internal BulletinDouble espressos require two Form C-17s (Intent to Consume Coffee) and one Form C-17.2 (Justification for Increased Caffeine Intake)./
Internal BulletinForm CM-17.1 (Declaration of Lactose Compatibility) is mandatory before adding milk to coffee./
Internal BulletinThe updated Toilet Brush Operating Procedure (TBOP v3.2) is now available./
Leadership Memo"Circle back" has officially replaced "solve the problem."/
HRCongratulations to Patricia Holdline on answering her 10,000th question beginning with "Unfortunately..."/
Lost PropertyOne sense of purpose. Last seen in Middle Management./
AnniversaryThe Department of Temporary Solutions celebrates its 18th anniversary./
Record OfficeNigel Nodsworth has agreed with 437 consecutive opinions./
InfrastructureArchibald Patchwell has declared another temporary workaround "structurally permanent."/
Division UpdateEvelyn Prudence Checkmark rejected a checklist because it lacked a checkbox confirming completion of the checklist./
LeadershipVictoria Delegator has delegated responsibility for delegation./
Public AdvisoryThe Bureau investigates activities, not professions./
Public AdvisoryA high Bullshit Score does not imply an unimportant profession./
Public Advisory"Manager reading the Bureau Wire and thinking, "Our Organisation isn't Bullshit.": Thought rejected."/
ResearchShit Jobs and Bullshit Jobs are not the same thing./
FacilitiesCafeteria serving lasagne today./
FacilitiesIt was moussaka./
Case UpdateNOW INVESTIGATING: Senior Synergy Evangelist./
Case ClosedStrategic Alignment Coordinator./
Record Office17 consecutive approval layers discovered./
BreakingBureau investigators discover a genuinely useful meeting. Verification underway./
BreakingPositive developments confirmed. First kiss imminent./
Record OfficeNigel Nodsworth has officially set a new Guinness World Record for Most Consecutive Professional Nods in Ten Minutes./
InfrastructureArchibald Patchwell extended the life expectancy of a "temporary" workaround to 14 years./
LeadershipVictoria Delegator delegated the delegation of a delegation. A formal investigation is underway./
HRPatricia Holdline has now placed over one million callers on hold. Thank you for your patience./
ResearchReplacing "problem" with "opportunity" does not solve the problem./
LibraryThe Bureau's only copy of Bullshit Jobs is now 2,731 days overdue./
FacilitiesThe Department of Temporary Solutions has requested a temporary coffee machine. The request has become permanent./
Scheduling AlertThe meeting on reducing unnecessary meetings has been rescheduled due to an unexpected meeting on reducing unnecessary meetings./
DivisonInvestigators identified a PowerPoint presentation containing 186 slides and no conclusion./
ResearchScientists estimate that 38% of all meetings exist solely to schedule future meetings./
ResearchResearchers have identified a sixth stage of project management: pretending everything is on track./
ResearchAdding the word "strategic" increases executive approval by approximately 14%./
ResearchPowerPoint animations have been linked to measurable decreases in attention span./
ArchiveAn untouched SharePoint folder from 2014 has been declared a protected heritage site./
ArchiveA "temporary" workaround dating from 2009 has officially entered the Bronze Age./
HRPlease stop replying "Thanks!" to company-wide emails./
HRMandatory training on ‘Mandatory Training at the IBBD’ has been scheduled./
HRCopying everyone into an email does not increase transparency./
HRA Wellness Committee has been established to help employees recover from committee meetings./
HRTo support our expanding consulting initiatives, salary increases have been suspended for the next two years. Thank you for your continued commitment./
ITHave you tried turning the organisation off and on again?/
ITNew password policy P32.0: 32+ chars / upper / lower / number / symbol / emoji / renewed every 5 days / must not resemble previous 200 passwords./
ITPassword policy updated (P32.1). The sum of all digits in user passwords must exceed 80./
ITPassword Policy Updated (P32.2): Only positive emojis are now permitted to improve the Bureau Happiness KPI. Use of negative emojis may result in a mandatory wellbeing discussion./
ITPassword policy updated (P32.3): Passwords must now not only differ from your previous 200 passwords, but also from every password ever used within the IBBD./
ITPassword policy updated (P32.0b): Only 32-bit systems require passwords of at least 32 characters. 16-bit systems require exactly 16 characters./
ITThe Bureau's VPN is now available inside the office. Remote access remains under review./
ITMr. Lloyd Keyes, please change your secret password. "Password92!🙂" was already used in 1992. (Policy P32.3)/
ITThe printer has successfully connected to Wi-Fi. It still refuses to print./
Legal AdvisoryUsing "per my last email" may be interpreted as an act of aggression./
Legal AdvisoryNo evidence has been found that adding "ASAP" makes anything happen sooner./
FacilitiesThe cafeteria is closed today after the menu was found non-compliant with Bureau Spelling Standard BSS-12. Food remains safe to consume./
FacilitiesLost property now contains twelve umbrellas and one abandoned business strategy./
BreakingAn employee accidentally solved the problem instead of discussing it./
BreakingA committee has been cancelled after members unexpectedly agreed within four minutes./
Internal BulletinA consultant has recommended hiring another consultant./
BreakingManagement has announced a restructuring of the previous reorganisation./
BreakingThe cake is a lie./
Internal BulletinThe Bureau has successfully negotiated peace between Project Management and Engineering. It lasted one hour./
Internal BulletinPresentation slides must use approved compliance colours. Content will be reviewed if time permits./
Internal BulletinOne-page presentations are not exempt from agenda requirements./
ResearchThe average meeting now contains more stakeholders than decisions./
Bureau NoticeExpert consultants have been hired to define KPIs for measuring the success of the KPI optimization initiative./
ResearchThe average PowerPoint presentation contains more transitions than conclusions./
ResearchThe Bureau estimates that 97% of pie charts are unnecessary./
Bureau Notice"Thinking outside the box" has been relocated inside a larger box./
Bureau Notice"Let us circle back" has now completed its 7th full revolution./
Bureau NoticeMoving forward has moved so far ahead that it’s now out of sight./
BreakingThe Bureau has received its first complaint that the Bureau itself may be bullshit. The investigation has been assigned to the Bureau./
AwardsArchibald Patchwell receives the Golden Duct Tape Award for Outstanding Commitment to Temporary Permanence./
AwardsPatricia Holdline wins Employee of the Month for placing callers on hold with exceptional professionalism./
Record OfficeVictoria Delegator has successfully delegated all responsibilities, including this announcement./
InternationalResearchers remain unable to determine whether Germany is keeping fax machines alive, or fax machines are keeping Germany alive./
InternationalGermany has successfully completed its transition from analog fax machines to digital fax machines./
InternationalSwitzerland has declared neutrality in the conflict between Teams and Zoom and moved the meeting to Webex as a precaution./
InternationalThe European Union has established a working group to define the scope of future working groups./
InternationalResearchers estimate that office stamps contribute 14% of Japan's GDP./
InternationalThe Bureau applauds Italy for maintaining paperwork as a living cultural tradition./
InternationalResearchers have confirmed that French protest signs are among the world's most efficient communication tools./
InternationalThe United States has classified paid vacation as a promising European concept./
InternationalSweden has delivered the Bureau's new IKEA filing cabinet in 74 pieces. Assembly has been outsourced to a subcontractor, who has subcontracted another subcontractor to prepare the assembly instructions./
InternationalThe Kingdom of Cadenzia appoints former opera conductor Viola Fermata as Minister of Infrastructure. Officials praised her "fresh perspective on how to orchestrate national transport."/
InternationalThe Kingdom of Cadenzia announced that newly appointed Minister of Infrastructure Viola Fermata will establish a panel of expert consultants to advise on how best to orchestrate the nation's infrastructure./
BreakingThe global population of middle and senior managers has officially exceeded the population performing the actual work./
Public AdvisoryDespite repeated speculation, Taylor Swift's 'Vigilante Shit' has no official connection to the Bureau./
Internal BulletinCan somebody cover the ticker for five minutes?'/
CorrectionThe previous Bureau Wire update was intended for Boris. The Bureau confirms that Ms Tickerova still considers her own position a Bullshit Job./
Bureau NoticeForm IBBD-27B has been replaced by Form IBBD-27B Revised./
Corporate DesignDesign innovation: From now on, all rectangular surfaces used in internal and external communications will have exactly the same corner radius as the “B” in “Bureau”. The 40-person team expects implementation to take 18 months./
Corporate DesignThe permitted number of heading levels has been reduced to 18./
Corporate DesignThe corporate colour palette will be limited to brown and black. This explicitly also applies to charts with more than two lines or bars./
Corporate DesignThe new requirements necessitate a revision of the Bureau-wide, mandatory 1,200-page presentation on corporate design./
Compliance MemoReminder: Saying "let us take this offline" does not count as resolving the issue./
ResearchResearch confirms that 94% of "quick meetings" exceed 30 minutes./
Scheduling AlertThe Meeting Inflation Task Force has postponed today's meeting due to another meeting./
InfrastructureTemporary solutions older than five years must now be classified as infrastructure./
LibraryThe Bureau currently owns one copy of Bullshit Jobs. It is still overdue./
ResearchDepartment of Advanced Checkbox Theory announces record checkbox growth for Q2./
Standards DivisionNew international standard: Every dashboard must include a dashboard explaining the other dashboards. Minimum required dashboards: 2./
Committee NewsThe Appeals Review Committee has approved the creation of a committee to review appeals./
ResearchBureau scientists have successfully identified a meeting that could have been an email./
Internal BulletinTo prevent tunnel vision, personnel are advised to bury their heads in the sand./
Internal BulletinPlease stop CC'ing the Director of Organizational Support Analysis./
Internal BulletinThe Bureau confirms that vertical commuting—even inside Bureau premises—remains part of the employee's journey to work./
Internal BulletinForm C-17 (Intent to Consume Coffee) must be completed before consuming coffee./
Internal BulletinDouble espressos require two Form C-17s (Intent to Consume Coffee) and one Form C-17.2 (Justification for Increased Caffeine Intake)./
Internal BulletinForm CM-17.1 (Declaration of Lactose Compatibility) is mandatory before adding milk to coffee./
Internal BulletinThe updated Toilet Brush Operating Procedure (TBOP v3.2) is now available./
Leadership Memo"Circle back" has officially replaced "solve the problem."/
HRCongratulations to Patricia Holdline on answering her 10,000th question beginning with "Unfortunately..."/
Lost PropertyOne sense of purpose. Last seen in Middle Management./
AnniversaryThe Department of Temporary Solutions celebrates its 18th anniversary./
Record OfficeNigel Nodsworth has agreed with 437 consecutive opinions./
InfrastructureArchibald Patchwell has declared another temporary workaround "structurally permanent."/
Division UpdateEvelyn Prudence Checkmark rejected a checklist because it lacked a checkbox confirming completion of the checklist./
LeadershipVictoria Delegator has delegated responsibility for delegation./
Public AdvisoryThe Bureau investigates activities, not professions./
Public AdvisoryA high Bullshit Score does not imply an unimportant profession./
Public Advisory"Manager reading the Bureau Wire and thinking, "Our Organisation isn't Bullshit.": Thought rejected."/
ResearchShit Jobs and Bullshit Jobs are not the same thing./
FacilitiesCafeteria serving lasagne today./
FacilitiesIt was moussaka./
Case UpdateNOW INVESTIGATING: Senior Synergy Evangelist./
Case ClosedStrategic Alignment Coordinator./
Record Office17 consecutive approval layers discovered./
BreakingBureau investigators discover a genuinely useful meeting. Verification underway./
BreakingPositive developments confirmed. First kiss imminent./
Record OfficeNigel Nodsworth has officially set a new Guinness World Record for Most Consecutive Professional Nods in Ten Minutes./
InfrastructureArchibald Patchwell extended the life expectancy of a "temporary" workaround to 14 years./
LeadershipVictoria Delegator delegated the delegation of a delegation. A formal investigation is underway./
HRPatricia Holdline has now placed over one million callers on hold. Thank you for your patience./
ResearchReplacing "problem" with "opportunity" does not solve the problem./
LibraryThe Bureau's only copy of Bullshit Jobs is now 2,731 days overdue./
FacilitiesThe Department of Temporary Solutions has requested a temporary coffee machine. The request has become permanent./
Scheduling AlertThe meeting on reducing unnecessary meetings has been rescheduled due to an unexpected meeting on reducing unnecessary meetings./
DivisonInvestigators identified a PowerPoint presentation containing 186 slides and no conclusion./
ResearchScientists estimate that 38% of all meetings exist solely to schedule future meetings./
ResearchResearchers have identified a sixth stage of project management: pretending everything is on track./
ResearchAdding the word "strategic" increases executive approval by approximately 14%./
ResearchPowerPoint animations have been linked to measurable decreases in attention span./
ArchiveAn untouched SharePoint folder from 2014 has been declared a protected heritage site./
ArchiveA "temporary" workaround dating from 2009 has officially entered the Bronze Age./
HRPlease stop replying "Thanks!" to company-wide emails./
HRMandatory training on ‘Mandatory Training at the IBBD’ has been scheduled./
HRCopying everyone into an email does not increase transparency./
HRA Wellness Committee has been established to help employees recover from committee meetings./
HRTo support our expanding consulting initiatives, salary increases have been suspended for the next two years. Thank you for your continued commitment./
ITHave you tried turning the organisation off and on again?/
ITNew password policy P32.0: 32+ chars / upper / lower / number / symbol / emoji / renewed every 5 days / must not resemble previous 200 passwords./
ITPassword policy updated (P32.1). The sum of all digits in user passwords must exceed 80./
ITPassword Policy Updated (P32.2): Only positive emojis are now permitted to improve the Bureau Happiness KPI. Use of negative emojis may result in a mandatory wellbeing discussion./
ITPassword policy updated (P32.3): Passwords must now not only differ from your previous 200 passwords, but also from every password ever used within the IBBD./
ITPassword policy updated (P32.0b): Only 32-bit systems require passwords of at least 32 characters. 16-bit systems require exactly 16 characters./
ITThe Bureau's VPN is now available inside the office. Remote access remains under review./
ITMr. Lloyd Keyes, please change your secret password. "Password92!🙂" was already used in 1992. (Policy P32.3)/
ITThe printer has successfully connected to Wi-Fi. It still refuses to print./
Legal AdvisoryUsing "per my last email" may be interpreted as an act of aggression./
Legal AdvisoryNo evidence has been found that adding "ASAP" makes anything happen sooner./
FacilitiesThe cafeteria is closed today after the menu was found non-compliant with Bureau Spelling Standard BSS-12. Food remains safe to consume./
FacilitiesLost property now contains twelve umbrellas and one abandoned business strategy./
BreakingAn employee accidentally solved the problem instead of discussing it./
BreakingA committee has been cancelled after members unexpectedly agreed within four minutes./
Internal BulletinA consultant has recommended hiring another consultant./
BreakingManagement has announced a restructuring of the previous reorganisation./
BreakingThe cake is a lie./
Internal BulletinThe Bureau has successfully negotiated peace between Project Management and Engineering. It lasted one hour./
Internal BulletinPresentation slides must use approved compliance colours. Content will be reviewed if time permits./
Internal BulletinOne-page presentations are not exempt from agenda requirements./
ResearchThe average meeting now contains more stakeholders than decisions./
Bureau NoticeExpert consultants have been hired to define KPIs for measuring the success of the KPI optimization initiative./
ResearchThe average PowerPoint presentation contains more transitions than conclusions./
ResearchThe Bureau estimates that 97% of pie charts are unnecessary./
Bureau Notice"Thinking outside the box" has been relocated inside a larger box./
Bureau Notice"Let us circle back" has now completed its 7th full revolution./
Bureau NoticeMoving forward has moved so far ahead that it’s now out of sight./
BreakingThe Bureau has received its first complaint that the Bureau itself may be bullshit. The investigation has been assigned to the Bureau./
AwardsArchibald Patchwell receives the Golden Duct Tape Award for Outstanding Commitment to Temporary Permanence./
AwardsPatricia Holdline wins Employee of the Month for placing callers on hold with exceptional professionalism./
Record OfficeVictoria Delegator has successfully delegated all responsibilities, including this announcement./
InternationalResearchers remain unable to determine whether Germany is keeping fax machines alive, or fax machines are keeping Germany alive./
InternationalGermany has successfully completed its transition from analog fax machines to digital fax machines./
InternationalSwitzerland has declared neutrality in the conflict between Teams and Zoom and moved the meeting to Webex as a precaution./
InternationalThe European Union has established a working group to define the scope of future working groups./
InternationalResearchers estimate that office stamps contribute 14% of Japan's GDP./
InternationalThe Bureau applauds Italy for maintaining paperwork as a living cultural tradition./
InternationalResearchers have confirmed that French protest signs are among the world's most efficient communication tools./
InternationalThe United States has classified paid vacation as a promising European concept./
InternationalSweden has delivered the Bureau's new IKEA filing cabinet in 74 pieces. Assembly has been outsourced to a subcontractor, who has subcontracted another subcontractor to prepare the assembly instructions./
InternationalThe Kingdom of Cadenzia appoints former opera conductor Viola Fermata as Minister of Infrastructure. Officials praised her "fresh perspective on how to orchestrate national transport."/
InternationalThe Kingdom of Cadenzia announced that newly appointed Minister of Infrastructure Viola Fermata will establish a panel of expert consultants to advise on how best to orchestrate the nation's infrastructure./
BreakingThe global population of middle and senior managers has officially exceeded the population performing the actual work./
Public AdvisoryDespite repeated speculation, Taylor Swift's 'Vigilante Shit' has no official connection to the Bureau./
Internal BulletinCan somebody cover the ticker for five minutes?'/
CorrectionThe previous Bureau Wire update was intended for Boris. The Bureau confirms that Ms Tickerova still considers her own position a Bullshit Job./
